Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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