My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
