Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize