She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
