every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
