remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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