I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
