i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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