I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
