I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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