the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
