did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
