Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You are a genius and a whore.
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