Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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