GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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