so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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