Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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