she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
