he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Can you bring me the toilet please
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
