so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
