but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize