Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
