Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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