i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
