btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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