a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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