I am in a vortex of obligation.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he thought i was a dude.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
