If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize