Where are you?
In a non slutty way
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
