Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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