I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
