I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
