by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
