I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
