Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
