i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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