no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
