it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
