You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
