i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
