He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Michael Bay diarrhea
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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