My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
