i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
