Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
