this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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