I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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