Where did you get a picture of my penis
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
