This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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