did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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