Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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