Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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