You made me cry and you don't even care
i think my tv is drunk
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
