I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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