After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
