I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
