my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
