I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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