sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
