my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize