its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
