You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize