Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
